A tale of the over- and understimulated AuDHDer: When watching a video is too much and not enough

Originally published on Medium

I stare at the carpeted floor, annoyed.

Earlier, I had started playing a video from my YouTube watch later list. Seconds passed. Inside, a swirling turmoil protested “This is too much.” Each new sound from the small speakers poked my ears. I was determined to not quit watching again so I muted the sound and turned on closed captions.

Didn’t help.

Ugh. Fine. I relented and closed the app.

And so here I am, on the floor.

I like myself but sometimes I can be really annoying.

Maybe I can listen to something, music? A book? Podcast?

The inner turmoil churns again and I sigh. Nope.

Well reading is always good. I open my tablet again to a new ebook and start reading… and a couple sentences later I close the tablet, put it on the table and lay on the floor, disgusted.

I can’t even read!! What’s going on?

I lay on my back and stare at the ceiling, thinking back over my past month.

I’d had a planned activity almost every weekend. And one weekend there were 2 different things happening (a lot for me)! And during the week, I worked more than usual but slept less than usual. Mostly because it was one of my period cycles where I lie awake pretending I’ll fall asleep any moment until midnight comes. Then I finally give up and read until I can fall asleep. And once my sleep schedule is that messed up, it needs time to get back on track.

“Wow,” I say aloud to myself. “Sorry, I didn’t realize I needed a break.”

So I keep staring at the ceiling and go back to an old childhood game: what would it be like if the ceiling and ground were swapped and we walked on the ceiling? I imagine it. Then I close my eyes and breathe, allowing the inner turmoil to slowly lessen enough so I can handle stimulation later with…a walk? Or some music?

Ehh, we’ll see what I can handle.

Thanks to Helen Olivier’s article If You Are Autistic with ADHD, You Are a Study in Contradictions for inspiring this.