The problem with undefined social invitations: This is why I'm just going to say "no"

Originally published on Substack

Okay. Fine. I admit it.

I don’t handle social ambiguity well. 

To have fun, I need as much clarity and specificity as possible. Specificity like sending a Calendly link to schedule a catch-up with my sister. That’s the level of unambiguity I need to enjoy a social event.

So invitations like “come over anytime” are just not for me due to the ridiculous amount of time spent analyzing them, looking for meaning.

First, I wonder if it’s an actual invitation. Or maybe the invite is the polite message “I’m saying goodbye in a way to leave this conversation without feeling bad.”

Then, if I feel this is a genuine invitation, I try to figure out the meaning of “anytime.”  

They haven’t told me their preferred visiting times. I don’t know their daily schedule. So am I supposed to intuit what “anytime” means? (Because I know it's not literally any time. I doubt they want me to pop by at midnight.)

Next, I think about what we’ll do during the visit.  Should I bring a game to play? What if I don’t feel like talking? And how long should I stay?

After all that thinking, I’m tired already. And I haven’t even gotten to the actual peopling part!

So let’s be honest:

I’m not showing up to your casual “come anytime” invite.

Sorry not sorry.

But if you say something like “Hey, I’m making cookies tomorrow. Stop by around 5 to get some.”

I’ll be there. 

Because instead of freezing from analysis-paralysis, I can ask myself easy questions with easy answers:

1. Am I free around 5? Yes. 

2. Do I want cookies? Yes. 

3. And even if I don’t want cookies, do I want to visit this person? Yes.

That’s the level of specificity I need to enjoy being around other people.